In ‘Jewish Spiritual Guidance: Finding Our Way to God‘, by Carol Ochs and Kerry Olitsky, a chapter on ‘Encountering Temptation and Sin’ offers some different language for thinking about sin. Building on the definition of sin that I offered in Reflection 2, and the practice of divesting ourselves of behaviors and habits that no longer serve us that I described in Reflection 4, here are two examples based on these sections of Ochs and Olitsky’s book:
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A little bit of light relief today – one of this year’s Rosh Hashanah musical spoof videos. But the message is no spoof – a nice little message in ‘paying it forward’ or, in the language of Pirke Avot (sayings of the fathers – a chapter of the Mishnah), mitzvah goreret mitzvah – one good deed leads to another.
Enjoy!
I don’t remember the origins of the following story – perhaps something drawn from Zen Buddhism? But I find it one of those life-resonating parables:
A seeker comes to a fork in the road and finds a wise, old man sitting there. ‘Which way to enlightenment?’ the seeker asks the wise, old man. ‘Take the road on right,’ answers the wise, old man. The seeker takes the path on the right and, after walking on it for some time, out of nowhere there is an almighty ‘Splat!’. He does not know what hit him, but he stumbles back to the fork in the road somewhat battered and bruised. ‘Old man, did you not say that this was the path to enlightenment?’ ‘Yes’, answers the wise, old man. ‘Take the road on the right.’ The seeker is confused but, thinking perhaps he had made an error further down the path, turns and goes back down the path on the right. After walking on it for some time, out of nowhere yet again there is an almighty ‘Splat!’ Once more the seeker makes his way back to the fork in the road, feeling sore and demoralized. ‘Old man, what are you trying to do to me? I ask you for the road to enlightenment; you keep telling me to take this path on the right, and each time out of nowhere – ‘Splat!’ – and I am bruised and battered from my experience. Are you sure that this is the right road?’ The wise, old man replies, ‘Yes, my child. The path to enlightenment is just a little way past ‘Splat!’
Enlightenment is not typically the spiritual language of Judaism. But there is the notion that, by returning to contemplate the path we are walking down in life, and desiring to refine our behaviors and our priorities, we may come a little closer to understanding the meaning of our lives and our purpose. But the road of life is often strewn with moments of ‘Splat!’, where we find ourselves battered and bruised by our experiences, whether they be things that we brought upon ourselves by our own choices, or whether they came out of the blue and were completely beyond our ability to control.
We can expend a great deal of energy railing against the things that challenge us and bring us down. We can wonder ‘why me’? These are very human responses to the difficulties that we face in our lives. But the parable suggests that any meaning we make of our lives, and any understanding we have of our purpose and who we are must necessarily be able to withstand the times when life goes ‘Splat!’ If we can only believe in God when life is good, when we can only give something to others when everything is going right in our lives, and if we can only keep anger at bay when nothing is provoking us, then we still have a way to journey before we come to a place of deeper meaning and understanding… a little way beyond ‘Splat!’
Rabbi Rachel Gurevitz
There is no doubt that the High Holydays, and this month of preparation leading to them, places before us some challenging stuff. And that, in many ways, is how it should be. But just as, in the first of this seasons’ reflections, I offered a way into the idea of prayer for those who find prayer challenging, it is important to grapple with a number of the challenging aspects of the spiritual work of this season because sometimes we let preconceived ideas about what they mean get in the way of making this work spiritually meaningful and transformative for ourselves.
And one of the biggest words that challenge us at this season is SIN. Just as with prayer, there is more to be said on this than can be encapsulated here, and so it is a theme I’ll return to during the month, offering different ways to get past some of the commonly held misconceptions of this word that can get in the way of our willingness to examine ourselves and re-center ourselves as we prepare to enter into a New Year. But here, in a nutshell, is one of the ways that I understand sin. Sin is where we misidentify what we need to fill the hole we feel inside; our behavior, our reactions to someone, our craving or desiring of certain material things, are attempts to respond to a yearning that is, at its core, a spiritual one, but which we have misidentified as something else. We know that we have misidentified our need because, however much we try to address our dis-ease, our sense of anxiety, or anger and frustration, our sadness, our pain…, with the wrong things, the feelings don’t go away.
In future Elul Reflections I’ll return to this theme with more specific examples. But when you pause today for a period of meditation or reflection, consider this definition of sin, and allow some of the uncomfortable feelings that all of us, at times encounter, to arise. Over time, if you allow yourself to sit with them for a while and watch where they come from – what encounters are you replaying over and over again, what story do you weave to ‘explain’ the feelings that you have… give yourself permission to examine these more closely and more lovingly. If we get lost in the narrative we are more likely to continue to perpetuate the same stories. If we get angry or frustrated with ourselves at our shortcomings or weaknesses, it is harder to heal. But noticing the feelings and learning, over time, where they come from, can create the space we need to ask for guidance on how to heal so that we don’t continue to repeat the cycle of behavior over and over. And that is where we can draw on prayer to help us. May I feel healed; May I remain calm and centered; May I be at ease…
Rabbi Rachel Gurevitz
The four Hebrew letters that spell the month, ‘Elul’ are encoded, our tradition teaches us, with multiple meanings, each an acronym using these four letters. The one that is best known is shown above – ‘Ani L’dodi V’dodi Li’ – I am my beloved and my beloved is mine.
As we enter this month, with an invitation to reflect and prepare for Rosh Hashanah – The Jewish New Year – and Yom Kippur – the Day of Atonement, Elul comes to bring us an important message. The essence of love is also the essence of prayer – it is all about relationship. But many of us find the idea of a relationship with God difficult. We may not feel it; we may not know how to create it; we do not know what to say, or we feel foolish ‘saying’ anything to the Divine Presence which we cannot define or grasp. We may have some clarity about what we don’t believe, but far less about what we do.
Beginning is the hardest part. The questions and the doubts get in the way. But what if, today, on the 1st of Elul, we responded to the invitation by committing ourselves to a month of spiritual practice? Something each day that we read and reflect upon, a time set aside for meditation or prayer.
Prayer can be a loaded word. It conjures up images of subjects addressing kings on thrones – that is the ancient language in which many of our Jewish prayers were cast, and it takes time and practice to break through the allegorical barriers of the words and see the human desires, hopes, and yearnings that they point toward. But we can start with something simple. This month of Elul is a time to return to matters of the spirit; to brush away some of the distractions of the material world, at least for a short time, to remind ourselves of who we truly are, who we wish to be, and to ask ourselves whether our daily actions and deeds are truly reflective of the call of our soul. We come to realize that we’ve been feeding some of the emptiness we feel with the wrong things, and we know they are wrong because the emptiness or the unease, the fears and anxieties aren’t going away. Before we can spend some time trying to understand what lies behind these feelings and how we might address them, it is good to first spend some time affirming what we seek. These can be different things for different people, but I suspect most of us would seek to affirm the following:
Since the ‘big wedding’ of the year, last weekend, I’ve had a number of people email me or facebook me and ask, ‘Rabbi, what do you think?’ I often think that one of the questions behind questions like this is ‘Is it good for the Jews?’ But I’m not sure if that’s the right question.
There is no question that such a celebrity, high-profile wedding that sees a Methodist Minister and a Reform Rabbi co-officiating together on a Saturday evening before sundown pushes a lot of buttons. Reading many of the comments to blog pieces by Rabbis who have shown acceptance and have chosen to highlight the blessing that Jewish tradition and ritual was a part of a Clinton wedding, a lot of the buttons pushed have been those of Jews who see a wedding like this as an undermining of Judaism. The Rabbi, James Ponet, who officiated is showered with insults (we often see him referred to as ‘rabbi’ by those who vehemently disagree with his decision to participate).
On the other hand, there are those whose buttons are pushed in a different direction – some are bloggers who are part of an interfaith relationship, or others who leave comments sharing how wonderful it was for them to be able to honor both of their faith traditions at this important life-cycle moment, or how painful it was to be unable to find someone who would do such a thing when they themselves had sought out someone.
Rabbi Irwin Kula, Co-President of CLAL, has both written on this topic and appeared yesterday on the Today Show to speak about interfaith marriage. He used an image that I think conveys a reality that we see among some of the Chelsea/Mark generation rather well. He said that some people today are choosing ‘the bazaar’ over ‘the cathedral’, by which he means that we see a growing trend toward picking and choosing rituals and spiritual wisdom from different places and not necessarily feeling a need or a pressure to 100% embrace one modality only. And so, while we can certainly discuss whether or not we think this is ‘good’ (see, for example, the Editorial in this week’s Jewish Forward), the reality is that this is, and this is the American spiritual ‘marketplace’ that we are increasingly finding ourselves in.
‘So, Rabbi’, I am asked, ‘What do you think?’
Well, I think lots of things. And I’m going to continue to be more descriptive than prescriptive in my thoughts. Here are some things to bear in mind, which I hope will provide a useful framework for judging one’s own reaction to the news of Chelsea and Mark’s wedding and the co-officiation that took place:
1) Jewish law and tradition about marriage evolved out of an ancient biblical tradition. What is now understood as a halachic Jewish wedding has it roots in practices that we find in the Torah, but is distinctly different from those practices. As circumstances and the culture of the society around us has changed, so has Jewish practice. We don’t, for example, continue to practice Levirate marriage (the practice of a brother of a deceased husband taking the widow as his wife). The practice of having more than one wife was effectively banned within the European Ashkenazi tradition in the 11th century. It continued in parts of the Sephardic world leading to a situation when families where a husband had multiple wives arrived from Yemen to the State of Israel in the 1950s, creating a conundrum for the fledgling state (they allowed these men to keep the wives they had, but could not marry more, and the law of the land became one wife only from then on). We also know that marrying non-Jewish wives was commonplace in the Biblical state of Israel, although distinctly disapproved of by the spiritual leaders of the time (Ezra, for example, upon seeing the extent of intermarriage when he returned from the Babylonian exile after the destruction of the 1st temple, ruled that Jewish men should divorce their non-Jewish wives).
2) Even within rabbinic law, we can trace a debate among the early generations of Rabbis regarding intermarriage. While it is clear that none approved, a majority recognized the outright prohibition as a rabbinic innovation, whereas the Biblical law only specified not marrying with the 7 Canaanite nations when the Children of Israel entered Canaan. This is clearly about maintaining the identity and tribal integrity of this fledgling people, and maintaining a specific cultic code of practice that was distinct from the rituals, gods, and beliefs of the surrounding nations.
3) We sometimes hark back to a time when no-one would think of ‘marrying out’; the consequences were too severe – one would be cut off from one’s community and we remember a time when a parent would tear their clothes and mourn their child as if dead. While there are some who wish our Jewish tradition and community held more influence over the cultural, spiritual and ethical lives of our young people today, most are grateful that most parents no longer act as if a child has died if they marry a non-Jew. The truth is, the times we are harking back to are times before Napoleon provided the innovation of civil marriage. While the change did not happen overnight, for centuries if a Jew married a non-Jew, the almost inevitable outcome was the conversion of the Jew to Christianity. One could only get married in a Church or a Synagogue (or, in Muslim lands, in a Mosque). Therefore, there was a stark reality to a Jew ‘marrying out’ truly being cut off from the Jewish community if they did this. And this was an enormous loss to a parent, equivalent to the death of their child.
4) Now we live in a time when the stark and dramatic consequences of a Jew marrying a non-Jew is no longer so apparent. For those concerned about the vibrancy and continuation of the Jewish community, these are real concerns. Many Jews who marry non-Jews are lost from Jewish communal life, and their children are not raised with a Jewish identity (more often the case if a mother is not Jewish). But we know that there are thousands of Jewish families in the USA where one parent is not Jewish. Many are raising children who are actively engaged with the Jewish faith and community. Speaking only of Congregation B’nai Israel, I have heard many passionate Confirmation speeches of youth of interfaith parents who are distinctly aware and proud of their decision to embrace Judaism and continue their learning to the end of High School. I have friends and colleagues who grew up in an interfaith household who have gone on to become Rabbis and Jewish Educators. We certainly cannot take the continuity of Jewish peoplehood and community for granted, but neither can we write off the families of interfaith couples. They enrich our communities and strengthen us when they choose to make Jewish community their spiritual home, and that is something to celebrate.
5) The decision of a Rabbi to officiate at the wedding of a Jew and a non-Jew is very complex and personal.
a) For many, it is black and white. Halachah, as it has evolved over the centuries, does not recognize such a marriage as a Jewish marriage and, therefore, a Rabbi who is wedded to traditional halachah will not view their participation in such a wedding as a possibility.
b) There are those who will officiate if they believe what they are doing is part of welcoming a couple into the Jewish community. Some make specific stipulations about expectations, or require the couple to attend an Introduction to Judaism class together, or provide them with a year’s free membership of the synagogue to help encourage their participation in communal Jewish life. Others simply ensure that the conversation about faith in the home and hopes regarding the upbringing of children are discussed as part of pre-marriage counseling, and emphasize the importance of maintaining a commitment to their pre-marriage understandings.
c) There are still some others who will contemplate co-officiating with clergy of another faith because, while they recognize that this blending and mixing of traditions is a less likely route to an identified and engaged Jewish family unit, they feel that to deny the Jewish person who is authentically wanting to honor their faith and heritage, who clearly feels identified with it, is to counter-productively push them away. There are times when it becomes clear that a young person has little personal investment, but is being pressured by parents to do ‘something Jewish’ – that is a more complex situation that requires pastoral guidance and counseling. Many Rabbis would not contemplate officiating at a ceremony under these circumstances, while others see doing so as the means for them to gain access to the couple to engage in the kind of pastoral counseling that they need.
6) A consideration of alternatives? While I truly believe that each Rabbi has to come to terms with their own practices on the matter of officiating an interfaith marriage, and that a plurality of responses is ok because Jewish community is strengthened by being an open-sided tent with many entry points and many places within a spectrum to enable Jews (and their non-Jewish spouses) to find their place, I find it unhelpful to denigrate Rabbis who either do or don’t officiate. Such knee-jerk reactions deny the complexity of the context in which clergy work in the USA today – ‘the bazaar’ that Rabbi Irwin Kula described – and the tensions between tradition and change that all Rabbis are constantly responding to (even Orthodox Rabbis – just see the recent statement about homosexuality from the Orthodox rabbinate recently released). Rabbis who officiate are not facilitating the growth in interfaith marriage. When a couple come to a Rabbi about a wedding, we do not have any influence on whether the marriage takes place or not. There are Unitarian ministers, Interfaith ministers, Justice of the Peace, and ‘friends who have become Universal Life Ministers for the purpose of officiating at a marriage’, among the choices available in the spiritual and religious marketplace of North America today. That is not necessarily a reason to acquiesce to the request – as I said, it is complex – but this is a reality. This is not the world of the shtetl, or even of Twentieth century USA, where Jews were barred from some Universities, golf clubs, country clubs, residential areas etc. To deny the relevance of any of this larger cultural context when considering questions of interfaith marriage is to leave out the landscape in which Jewish adults are living their lives today.
And so, I’ve attempted to describe the landscape. I hope it provides useful food for thought for those who are considering their own perspectives on these issues, whether Rabbis or lay people. And I invite your comments, additional perspectives, and thoughts to be posted here.
Rabbi Rachel Gurevitz
I’ve been following the facebook postings of a colleague and old friend of mine from back in the UK these past couple of weeks as she shared her family’s exploits. What’s so interesting about that? Isn’t that what Facebook is for? Well this particular family has been doing something a bit more remarkable than just reporting on their family vacations and what they made for dinner (not that I don’t love when my friends share these things too; its just unlikely to make the grade as something I’m going to share on my blog!)
Bebe Jacobs and her family have been singing together for many years. Bebe, when I was in the UK, did some educational work and training for the Leo Baeck College (Rabbinical seminary for Progressive Rabbis) and the Center for Jewish Education. She now runs her own practice as a Parenting Coach. Like myself, she was both a member of our Jewish Renewal chavurah and a member of a Reform synagogue in North West London. Her husband, Lawrence, is a retired dentist and acts as part-time Cantor to a Masorti (Conservative) community in North London and in Glasgow, Scotland. They have three children aged 27, 24, and 21.
This past weekend they appeared as ‘Jacobs St’, in ‘Don’t Stop Believing’ a ‘Britian’s Got Talent’-type show that has been inspired by the Glee craze, focused specifically on singing and dancing amateur groups. Jacobs St. beat out 8000 entries to make it to the live semi-finals.of this show hosted by one-time Spice Girl, Emma Bunton. First, a little preview to introduce the Jacobs Family:
Next, their live performance last weekend, where they gave it their all:
Ok, so they didn’t make it to the finals. But it gives me a big smile to see how much fun they were having. There was also a wonderful buzz in the Jewish community and Jewish press about their achievement (see, for example, The Jewish Chronicle). And the comments of the judges were, I think, interesting in what they picked up on and emphasized. How wonderful to see a family doing this together – putting that togetherness and unity above the need to single out someone; where being part of something meant more than winning. And so great to see what, on the surface might look like ‘a typical North-West London Jewish family’ be part of a mainstream popular show like this.
I think Jacobs St. are a pretty inspirational family. They shared their passion, their love, and their values with us. In just a few minutes of TV exposure, they encapsulated so much Jewish wisdom about family, the power of singing together, and being part of something that is greater than anything we can possibly be as individuals, whether that be in the context of a family, a group of committed friends, or a community. And they also taught us that there is no such thing as ‘typical’. We might not be part of a group of friends or a family with a talent like Bebe’s family for singing together, but we each have gifts that we can share. Take a moment and think about what is most precious, joyful, and special that you share with your family, or your closest friends, or your community. Label it, feel it, share your appreciation for it, and enjoy it!
Tuesday, August 10, is Rosh Hodesh Elul. This is the Jewish month that leads us to Rosh Hashanah – the Jewish New Year. This blog launched one year ago on 1 Elul. This year we will once again post regular thought-pieces, meditations and practices to help in your own personal reflections, reviewing the past year, engaging with the path of teshuvah, enabling us all to enter the High Holyday season with greater intention and awareness.
In the meantime, the Union for Reform Judaism has a 4-part webinar open to all, beginning on Rosh Hodesh Elul, with some wonderful teachers involved. I highly commend this program to you. The details follow, with a link to the URJ page where you can register for the webinar.
Shabbat Shalom,
Rabbi Rachel Gurevitz
August 11, 2010 – Welcoming Elul: Spiritual Preparations for the Days of Awe
Title: Welcoming Elul: Spiritual Preparations for the Days of Awe
I wasn’t in New York last weekend to 100% attest to whether what I hold in my hand was truly the front cover of Sunday’s New York Post. So maybe my brother sent me a spoof – but it is worth sharing, either way. The soccer team of the USA is gathered in ecstatic celebration and the headline reads: ‘World Cup Shocker: USA Wins 1-1.’ The subline reads, ‘Greatest tie against the British since Bunker Hill’.