Rabbi Gurevitz' creative works: Podcast, blogs, videos and more

Category: listening

#BlogElul: If we could see inside other people’s hearts #takeaseatmakeafriend

One of the most powerful and thought-provoking sermons I ever heard was delivered by a friend while we were students at Hebrew Union College. It was her ‘Senior Sermon’ – the sermon we all give before we graduate in one of the weekday services at the college. She shared an experience she’d had on the train during her commute into the city. One day there was a passenger seated nearby whose music was playing objectionably loudly through his headphones. It was clearly a distraction to all seated nearby, but no-one was doing anything. My friend politely tapped the man on the shoulder and asked if he wouldn’t mind turning down the music a bit. He responded furiously, cursing her and telling her to ‘watch it’, threatening to make trouble for her when they left the train.  She was terrified and unsure what to do next.  No-one nearby on the train spoke up or came to her aid. She’d recently been reading the book ‘Tuesdays with Morrie’ by Mitch Albom, a book that I drew from just this past Friday for a creative service where Morrie’s words inspired us to do our own spiritual preparations for the High Holydays.

‘What would Morrie do?’ she asked herself. A little further into the trip, before they reached their destination and departed, she saw that she had an opportunity to speak to the man again. ‘I’m sorry,’ she said. ‘I didn’t realize how much your music meant to you.’ The anger in his face dissipated. He started to tell her that he’d lost everything – his girlfriend, his job… his music was all he had left. In that brief moment he felt seen by someone who cared about him more than they cared about the volume on his iPod. They both left the train in peace. The moment was brief, but there was no question that it was transformative for both of them.

The powerful video above asks us to contemplate how much we don’t know about people. What would it take to uncover just a little of what lies beneath the surface? In the context of community, how transformative could that be?

#BlogElul: The feeling of being truly heard #takeaseatmakeafriend

There are many walks of life, many leadership development programs, and many other opportunities to come into contact with exercises that are designed to make us better listeners. Deep listening is, in my opinion, a spiritual practice, that can and should be practiced and nurtured. But I also believe that one of the best ways for us to recognize what truly deep listening is comes from reflecting on our own experiences of times when we have felt truly listened to. When did you know that the person listening understood what you were saying? How did that feel?
I’d like to be able to say that it feels wonderful; that my heart feels full. And, in fact, that is often the kind of feeling that I get when I feel truly listened to. But here’s another thing that I’ve learned about deep listening. It happens so rarely that it can actually be a bit unnerving when you truly have the experience. I used to run a program to bring Christian, Muslim, and Jewish teens together to learn from and about each other. In the preparation I would do with my Jewish students before our first gathering, we did an exercise in deep listening. Some students reflected the discomfort that came from someone really listening and being able to reflect back what had been shared. They were much more used to a more superficial kind of communication, and friends talking over one another. Why did deep listening cause discomfort? Perhaps, when we realize that someone is really trying to know us, we recognize feelings of vulnerability. Do we worry about whether they will like who we are? The truth is, we can only make deep connections with others by being willing to be vulnerable. The reward is the foundation of trust that can bond people together, and the incredible feeling of support that can come from those around us.
What does a listener do or convey that makes you feel understood? How does it feel?